Matthew 5:21-30
16 February 2014
Elizabeth M. Deibert
Well, 150 million Valentine’s cards have been exchanged, and
the average American has spent $130 dollars to celebrate romantic love. But are we building integrity in our
relationships or is this a rather empty display, an attempt to make up for
short-comings or a short-lived fantasy?
We are not entirely sure who the original St Valentine was. Some say he was a 3rd century Roman bishop
who got in trouble for conducting weddings of young couples when the Emperor
wanted to keep young soldiers single and focused. So Valentine was thrown in prison, where he
healed the jailor’s daughter, and left her a love note when he died, signed
“your Valentine.” It was in the 18th
century England that Valentines card production exploded. Valentines have every kind of image
imaginable now, but Cupid, the ancient mythological god of desire, erotic love,
attraction and affection is one of the earliest image for Valentine’s
cards. Some would say “cupid is stupid”
but I say that Cupid (this attraction/affection) gives us the courage to enter
a relationship. What’s stupid is
thinking that attraction/affection can sustain a relationship.
You know what Richard and I watch on Valentine’s Day? The French film Amour. Sounds so romantic, but guess what it is
about? It is the painfully slow story of how an old man takes care of his dying
wife. It wasn’t very exciting but it
was an interesting look at love. Jesus
calls us to a higher love than romantic affection. He calls us to agape, the love that gives and
forgives. In the section of the Sermon
on the Mount we are reading, Jesus challenges us to apologize and forgive, and to
keep our relationships whole by keeping our eyes, minds, and hearts in the
right place. Jesus is speaking to his
disciples about right relatedness. He
is not really talking about couples.
He’s talking about Christian community.
In the verses just prior to this teaching, Jesus said to his disciples,
“I have not come to abolish the law but to fulfill it.” He says, “unless your righteousness exceeds
that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of
heaven.”
I believe he is talking about a kingdom here and now, a
realm that we can live in, if we live like Christ. He goes on to explain what he means about
fulfilling the law. He wants the
disciples to understand the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law.
Matthew 5:21-30
"You have heard that it was said to those of ancient
times, 'You shall not murder'; and 'whoever murders shall be liable to
judgment.' 22 But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister,
you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will
be liable to the council; and if you say, 'You fool,' you will be liable to the
hell of fire. 23 So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you
remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your
gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or
sister, and then come and offer your gift. 25 Come to terms quickly with your
accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may hand
you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you will be thrown into
prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the
last penny. 27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit
adultery.' 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has
already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes
you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of
your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your
right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for
you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to go into hell.
(New Revised Standard Version)
We want easier answers.
We want to be able to justify ourselves by saying, “I didn’t do anything
wrong.” “I never killed anyone. I never had an affair. ” But Jesus says that it is not so much what
we did wrong but what we did right. Did
we say we were sorry? Did we make
amends? Did we forgive? Did we cultivate love or did we allow our
minds to wander away from real love to some image on a computer screen or
television?
If we really want to love, we have to learn how to
forgive. (Mother Teresa) The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest. Of course forgetting means laying it aside,
not having amnesia. Forgiveness is not
forgetting an injustice done. It is an
understanding that allows us to set aside the emotional impact of that injustice. When we no longer hold these emotions, and
when we have understanding for the person, then we have forgiven them.
Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a person with
character to forgive. When you forgive,
you release yourself from a painful burden.
Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay or that the person
is welcome in your life, but that you have made peace with the pain and are
ready to let it go.
Apologizing does not mean you’re wrong and the other person
is right. It means you value the
relationship more than your ego. I have
seen and have participated myself in so many debates in family and church where
ego gets in the way. Usually both sides
have some piece of what is right, which is why we must move away from determining
who is at fault, to empathy, to identify our own and others’ needs. We must understand that everyone has a need
for belonging, purpose, meaning, integrity, and love. When these are threatened, we often respond
with anger or distance. But the best
way to move through conflict -- whether between parent and child, or a couple,
or two members of a church) is to identify and try to meet needs. There can still be irresolvable differences,
but the process of handling those is much less hurtful when needs are
respected.
Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to
grow beyond what you are. Forgiveness
takes a lot of energy and self-awareness, but bitterness will truly take the
life out of you, and leave you in a hell of sorts. The word Jesus used was for a real place of
dead bodies. As you are coming forward
today to receive communion, lay down your bitterness. Let it go.
It’s not that you are saying they are more right than you. It is that you value life and
right-relationships more than you value your own ego.
You can identify their needs and have empathy for them, and
so you stop rewinding the event to churn yourself up again. You stop re-playing that video – the one in
which you were right but got hurt. You
start looking forward instead of backward.
To call someone a fool is to demean their humanity and land yourself in
hell here and now, Jesus says. It is
better to lose part of yourself than for your whole self to land in the place
of the dead. We need integrity – holding
the whole thing together. Being the
same person inside and outside. Being
the same person no matter where you are or who is watching you or checking your
internet history.
The thing about unresolved anger and lustful, wandering,
unfaithfulness in relationships is that much of this is unseen. If you kill someone, everyone knows. If you commit adultery, it usually comes
out. But bitterness and unfaithful
desires can be hidden from everyone.
Internet porn is doing unspecified damage to relationships everywhere. No one but you and God know, but it slowly
poisons. We had a friend, who ended his
own life because of despair over ruined relationships due to an addiction to
porn. The scary thing about
undiscovered ills is that they have greater power to diminish us than exposed
ones.
I’m not recommending that you announce all your lustful
thoughts or grudges. But I am saying that when your anger or lust stirs up,
take a serious inventory of your feelings and needs, and how you might get your
needs met without hurting or objectifying other people. Think about their needs too. Even as someone is expressing anger toward
you, you can be helpful by trying to hear their needs rather than their
criticism. Real love, you know, is not
a feeling, it cares about feelings, it identifies feelings, and responds to
feelings with responsible behavior. To
love God and love neighbor cannot be reduced to a set of rational rules. It’s a life of relational integrity – of
doing justice, loving kindness, and walking humbly with God. It is a life of peacemaking – of one
another-ing, of doing the messy work of caring for real people (not fantasy
people) real people with real problems just like you. Real love works to appreciate another’s
perspective. It asks for forgiveness
and offers forgiveness. Integrity –
real love lived out in all the relationships of life.
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